When Your Boss Says “You're Early”, What Do They Really Mean?
The words might be harmless. The power behind them might not be.
My brother is a doctor, and if there's one thing I know about him, it's that he can take absolutely ages to respond to a text message. Sometimes hours. Sometimes longer. Do I sit there wondering whether I've offended him? Not particularly. I know him, I know how demanding his work can be, and I know that if he had an issue with me, he'd probably just pick up the phone.
Now imagine sending the exact same message to someone you've only recently met. You don't know their habits, their personality or whether they're the sort of person who takes three working days to respond to a simple question.
All of a sudden, that silence can mean so many things.
The message hasn't changed. The person receiving it has.
And this is something I think we often forget when communicating. The person receiving our words isn't a blank canvas. They have their own experiences, expectations, fears, assumptions and history with us. All of these things can influence how they interpret what we're saying.
Now, imagine that the person communicating with you has the power to determine whether you keep your job.
That's where things become particularly interesting.
When communication comes with consequences
In October 2017, investigations by The New York Times and The New Yorker exposed allegations of sexual harassment, sexual assault and abuse of power involving Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein.
The investigations described women who had been invited to what they understood to be professional meetings, sometimes in hotels, only to encounter unwanted sexual advances. Some feared that refusing or speaking out could damage their careers.
I remember how some people questioned why women in situations like these didn't simply walk away or report what had happened.
But I think that question overlooks something incredibly important.
Power.
Imagine your manager asks you to meet them at a hotel.
Now, before you even begin to consider how strange that request might be, you're thinking about your job. Your mortgage. Your children. Your bills. Perhaps your friend who has been unemployed for the past year and is struggling to find work.
You're not simply interpreting a request to attend a meeting. You're also considering what might happen if you refuse.
And if something inappropriate happens, what then? Do you speak up and risk not being believed? Do you challenge someone who could potentially influence your career? Or do you remain silent because, quite frankly, you need your job?
Silence in these circumstances doesn't automatically mean agreement, comfort or consent.
Of course, the Weinstein allegations involve serious misconduct, not simply a misunderstanding about someone's tone. But they illustrate why we cannot separate communication from the power relationships in which it takes place.
It's not always something as extreme
Power imbalances also influence everyday workplace communication.
Imagine a manager who regularly embarrasses you during meetings, makes passive-aggressive comments and chips away at your confidence, one team huddle at a time.
You've raised concerns before, only to be told, "That's just how they talk. Don't take it personally."
Then one morning, you arrive at work, and that same manager says:
"You're early."
What does that mean?
Are they pleased to see you? Are they being sarcastic? Is it criticism? Are you about to be given another unnecessary lecture about something you haven't even done?
Now imagine those exact words coming from a manager who has always treated you with kindness and respect.
You might smile, laugh or simply say good morning.
The words haven't changed.
But everything surrounding them has.
That's because communication is more than information. Our relationships, previous experiences and expectations all influence how we understand what someone is saying.
And when someone has authority over us, we may not always feel comfortable asking what they meant.
What if the manager genuinely meant well?
Here's where I think things become even more interesting.
Not every manager who communicates poorly is deliberately trying to cause harm. Some people genuinely don't recognise how they're coming across. Others are perfectly aware and simply don't care.
Those are two very different situations, and we shouldn't confuse them.
However, someone in a position of authority can become so accustomed to people agreeing with them, laughing at their jokes or remaining silent that they begin to assume their communication is being received positively.
But is it?
Are people genuinely comfortable, or are they simply trying to avoid conflict? Are they laughing because something is funny, or because the person making the joke is responsible for their next promotion?
I think these are questions worth asking, particularly if you're responsible for leading other people.
Because the more power you have, the less likely it may be that someone feels comfortable telling you how your words are actually being experienced.
And if nobody tells you, how would you know?
Communication Awareness isn't about making everyone agree
One thing I feel strongly about is that we cannot expect everyone to interpret our communication exactly as we intended.
We all bring something into a conversation. Our history, culture, emotional state, expectations and sometimes experiences that the other person knows absolutely nothing about.
This doesn't mean that every negative reaction is justified or that every manager should spend their working day apologising for perfectly reasonable instructions.
It means recognising that intention and impact answer different questions.
Intention helps us understand what the sender was trying to communicate. Impact helps us understand how the communication was experienced.
Neither alone gives us the complete picture.
For those in positions of power, however, I think there's an additional responsibility to recognise that the people receiving their words may not have the same freedom to question them.
An employee might understand exactly what their manager meant and still feel unable to respond. Another might completely misunderstand a harmless comment but be too frightened to ask for clarification.
Both situations deserve attention.
This is why I'm so interested in Communication Awareness. Not simply correcting what people say, but helping them recognise the things they might otherwise overlook before their words create consequences.
After all, being in a position of authority doesn't automatically mean you're aware of how you're communicating.
And someone's silence doesn't necessarily mean you've communicated well.
Sometimes, it simply means they cannot afford to challenge you.
Sources
Kantor, J. and Twohey, M. (2017). Harvey Weinstein Paid Off Sexual Harassment Accusers for Decades. The New York Times, 5 October.
Farrow, R. (2017). From Aggressive Overtures to Sexual Assault: Harvey Weinstein's Accusers Tell Their Stories. The New Yorker, 10 October.